This is a picture of me taken from two nights ago. I was surprised when I saw it. I think I look too skinny.
But the thing is, when I look in the mirror, I don’t see this. I still see flab. I still see the same girl from 8 months ago, maybe a hair thinner, but I’m not satisfied. I don’t know how much weight I’ve lost since then, because I’m traveling so I don’t have a scale. But the fact it, even if I reach my “UGW,” it won’t be enough.
Why is this important to acknowledge? Because at some point, you must come to terms with the fact that your view of yourself is skewed. You cannot trust your own eyes in the mirror. They are wrong.
You cannot base your love for yourself on what you see in the mirror. If you do, one day you will feel invincible, the next you will hate yourself.
One part of me wants to keep eating less, to see how far I can get, to see how much thinner I can go, until I look fragile, until I see bone. Maybe it’s an issue of pride…definitely one of insecurity. Thin is “powerful,” thin is “strong.”
But the other part of me screams NO. That is fucked up. It’s a disservice to my body, which does so much every day to help me. And that part of me is stronger than the fucked up part.
I am not going to treat my body that way. I absolutely refuse.
Come to terms with the fact that your eyes are deceiving you. Stop scrutinizing yourself. Learn to appreciate your body for all it does for you. Nourish it, care for it, love it. Talk back to those thoughts that tell you to hate and restrict.
I am going to get healthy. I am going to get to a healthy weight for my body. And I am not going to pay attention to the photoshopped media-drenched culture which tries to convince me that healthy is ugly.
