Happy New Year to me…Looking back on the shitshow that was 2011
Not sure who this post is really for…mostly myself I guess. This will be long.
Looking at everyone’s “reflections on 2011” posts I can’t help but feel a little lost. I used to be this accomplishment whore who sought to do everything because there was never enough time. I felt like my life was a clock ticking down and I needed to do as much as possible or I would let life pass me by.
I don’t know if I wish I was still that girl.
I had a dream last night that I was in a show that I had done once before, playing the same role, but this time I was struggling to perform just like I had.
What has happened in this year? I can’t tell if I’m in a better or a worse place. I guess I conquered a few insecurities, faced things I never thought I would. I’ve lost out on passions and goals that I thought I would always have. I’m on the upward turn of a mysterious illness that has caused many sleepless, tear-soaked nights.
Now what do I spend my days doing? I work a job that helps me to turn off my own thoughts in favor of immediate service to others, a job where I feel some accomplishment pocketing cash at the end of the night, because I feel unaccomplished in the rest of my life.
“You need a break,” friends have told me. Well I have been on a break. This entire year has felt like a break. Even when I was touring with the show and performing every night it felt like a break.
So here is what I did this year:
January: I worked at Ruby Tuesday, went on a diet, and lost 10 pounds. February and March I performed the role of Juliet in Romeo and Juliet while struggling with a feeling of sickness which I didn’t understand. April I performed the role of Luisa in The Fantasticks and got a new job at an upscale restaurant. May and June I panicked over illness. July I began rehearsals for a tour that continued to November, while panicking some more. November I began to get answers for the illness and December finds me with some degree of depression and the beginning signs of healing.
What do I want for the New Year? I want my food intolerances to go away. I want to be able to breathe perfectly. I want my singing voice to feel good again. I want to sing a lot. I want to feel passionate about performing, about travel, about making a difference. I want to stop watching so many movies and reading so many books in favor of getting out and having my own experiences. I want to feel like my relationship with the Lord is new, exciting, and uplifting. I want to learn how to not be so messy. I want to gain responsibility as an adult. I want to be able to drink alcohol again on my 22nd birthday.
Whatever happens in this upcoming year, I take with me a new knowledge that life is not a clock ticking down. That people who spend their days working and come home and do nothing are not people to pity. That family is utterly invaluable and worth investing time in. That I can do too much. That we do not live in a vacuum and every action we take affects ourselves and others. That God is real.
What is my one desire for this upcoming year? To heal and become a stronger person than before.
Happy New Year.
