preach.
I live grain-free, soy-free, and dairy-free…
and I have to pack lunch every day, so don’t fucking tell me you don’t have time to eat healthy. You do. If you suddenly found that everything you ate outside of your house hurt you, then you would make time.
It’s a life choice. Make it.
<3”tough love” Elle
Why do we binge?
I’m an extreme person. So when I make a mistake, all of a sudden my mind goes, WELL IT’S ALL OUT THE WINDOW. MIGHT AS WELL FUCK UP MORE.
But now I’m at the point where when I do that I actually hurt my body. Like trouble breathing, stomach pains, sick for days hurt.
And I’m realizing that I can’t be extreme like that.
I’m also realizing that eating a cookie won’t kill me. And most of all, if I gain weight, I CAN lose it. I think I partially restricted because I was so scared that I would keep gaining and gaining until I was hideous. But that’s not happened. And I lost weight before as well…so it’s not like I’m impervious to weight loss.
I’m at a point right now where I’m learning to be thankful for where my body is at and how even when it is able to digest, life is great. Because for a while I couldn’t digest anything.
And that’s fucking terrifying.
I’m realizing that sugar does weird things to my body. So I eat barely any of it now. And I feel fantastic. I really do. I think I may be a bit sensitive to sugar, as my thoughts are SO much more disordered when I’m on it than when I’m not. Like SO much more. And I had a discussion with a friend with the same symptoms and it was crazy how similar we were. So I’m beginning to think it’s not just me.
Quitting sugar and quitting grains is fucking hard. It really is. But…it’s kinda worth it. And I’m not strict like never again, I just avoid it most of the time. And I really do feel better. I binge less. And I think about food less.
So it’s something to consider.
Anyway this was long and rambly, but if you got one good thing out of it, it was worth it.
Tips for quitting the binge.
I’ve come to the realization in life where I am no longer in denial that I have a problem with overeating.
It’s incredibly freeing. Because now I know that I have a problem and there are ways to attack it.
Way #1? Keeping a food journal.
It’s amazing how much it helps. And if I have a bad reaction to a food or indigestion, I can find patterns and learn what my body needs.
It has really made a difference so far.
I am now also pretty much grain free, as my stomach is in the midst of healing. So there’s that.
Relapse
Feeling fat and worthless tonight after multiple binges. I could really use some encouragement.
Help?
My eating disorder was actually…
a case of candida.
It amazes me now how I used to wonder if maybe something was actually physically wrong with me, when all I could ever think about was food. And I felt as though I couldn’t stop myself from eating. I couldn’t just do one cookie or one little bowl of ice cream, it would become a binge and I wouldn’t even feel satisfied after. I was always craving, always wanting more. I didn’t understand how other people could have such restraint, could eat one cookie and have it be enough.
Little did I know those cravings were a symptom.
How horrible it was spending my entire day thinking about food and my next meal and never feeling full until I was bloated and felt ill and even then I still wanted to eat sweet sugary things.
And now that I’ve stopped eating the sugary things and begun to get this yeast infection under control, boom, the cravings are gone. I don’t think about food all day. I get full so much more easily. I enjoy food again.
Please please get yourself checked out.
If you find that you eat and then within an hour or so you’re hungry again.
If you wake up in the morning and rush to the kitchen to eat, irritable until you’ve had that bowl of cereal
If you eat one bowl of ice cream and then go back for a second or third and then curse yourself and swear that you won’t eat like that again but you do it again anyway
If you are sitting around food and you can’t stop thinking about what’s in front of you and after you finish your food you think about everyone else’s food
If you force yourself to eat weird low calorie foods throughout the day because you know you have to eat a shit ton of whatever to be satisfied…
Then you may be hypoglycemic and have a candida overgrowth like I do.
Look into it. There may be a reason for your obsession over food and it may be biological.
So apparently my eating disorder is partially due…
to an infection called candida which makes me crave sugar and carbs to no end.
Now that I’ve stopped eating sugar and empty carbs, my cravings are practically gone. I’m not thinking about food 24/7, or my next meal.
Amazing.
It seems…
that so much of my life is a frenzy. How does it all blur past me before I even notice? A skin ripping, dish tossing, motor running, one foot in front of the other frenzy and I don’t notice until later that the skin of my face is shredded and an hour has gone by.
Another binge.
Another fit of tears.
Mild memories of days when I felt the world was my oyster.
What the hell is going on?
My days are a countdown leading up to what? The moment I can get home and curl up in a blanket with a book or a movie or something to distract me from how numb I feel all the time.
These are not rose colored spectacles. These are something else.
I wish I was a normal thinker. A normal eater. A normal 21 year old.
But I feel very old right now. Not in the mature sense, or even in the octogenarian sense…just in the sense that I feel worn out.
I’m not tired. But I don’t really have energy.
I know I am merely existing.
I want so desperately to live.
I think I may have figured this out…
Pray for me tumblr lovelies…I think I may have come to the root behind all my health problems of the last 8 months.
I’m trying not to hope too much.
I know I will get better regardless of what it is. I have faith.
More than ever I have learned to value my health.
The evils of cupcakes
A sure way to make yourself obsessive? Label foods bad.
I haven’t had a cupcake in almost a year. For the last 3 months it’s been because of food sensitivities, but before that it was because I was so scared of the calories.
The restaurant I worked at sold mini cupcakes. I always desperately wanted one, but I wasn’t willing to spend the 300 calories that one was. I thought eating one was weakness. And I was SHOCKED when coworkers would eat TWO. It seemed like this crazy overindulgence that would lead to obesity.
Now I look back and roll my eyes at myself. I lived with this black cloud over my head when it came to food, because I wasn’t allowed to ever eat the things I liked and if I did I would condemn myself for a week.
I remember one night when I sobbed in the bathroom to my mom. I remember telling her how all I could ever think about was food: when my next meal was, what it was, how much I would have to work out to lose weight, how much of a pig I was because all I could think about was food. And I could never enjoy food when I ate it because the entire time I focused on the calories in it or how much everyone around me was judging me for eating.
Now I realize that one of the most detrimental things you can do to yourself is cut out foods completely. You HAVE to allow yourself the things you like, or you will set yourself up for a binge, for obsessiveness, for self-hatred.
Cupcakes aren’t evil. And if you want one, enjoy it.
I for one can’t wait til I can eat them again.
<3elle
