I’ve been through a lot. Some things have changed a lot. Some things remain the same. I’m writing this with the full knowledge that it may sound angsty and melodramatic. I’m hoping it doesn’t. This is what I’m dealing with now, and I’m at a loss.
More and more I realize why I binge.
I started binge-ing in middle school, after school when I got home. It was a way to soothe boredom and hunger, but also it was the way to comfort myself after being bullied and feeling alone. I didn’t have the words or comprehension then for why I binged, but it was deeper than boredom. It was the soother for the sadness I felt about not feeling included.
I’m 22 now, but I carry this with me still…this empty aching feeling of aloneness in my chest. For a while, it turned into absolute apathy, where I no longer cared about what anyone thought or how I looked, and I actually lost weight from not eating. I wouldn’t go back there.
Now I’ve healed a little and changed a little, but old habits die hard. I still am eating to momentarily dull the ache of feeling empty. I’m not overweight. I don’t binge on thousands of calories. I eat relatively healthy. But my eating habits are not healthy. They are obsessive and controlled or uncontrolled, and I don’t know how to fix it.
I still feel alone.
I don’t know how to change, or how else to dull the ache without resorting to food.
and I have to pack lunch every day, so don’t fucking tell me you don’t have time to eat healthy. You do. If you suddenly found that everything you ate outside of your house hurt you, then you would make time.
It’s a life choice. Make it.
<3”tough love” Elle
I’m an extreme person. So when I make a mistake, all of a sudden my mind goes, WELL IT’S ALL OUT THE WINDOW. MIGHT AS WELL FUCK UP MORE.
But now I’m at the point where when I do that I actually hurt my body. Like trouble breathing, stomach pains, sick for days hurt.
And I’m realizing that I can’t be extreme like that.
I’m also realizing that eating a cookie won’t kill me. And most of all, if I gain weight, I CAN lose it. I think I partially restricted because I was so scared that I would keep gaining and gaining until I was hideous. But that’s not happened. And I lost weight before as well…so it’s not like I’m impervious to weight loss.
I’m at a point right now where I’m learning to be thankful for where my body is at and how even when it is able to digest, life is great. Because for a while I couldn’t digest anything.
And that’s fucking terrifying.
I’m realizing that sugar does weird things to my body. So I eat barely any of it now. And I feel fantastic. I really do. I think I may be a bit sensitive to sugar, as my thoughts are SO much more disordered when I’m on it than when I’m not. Like SO much more. And I had a discussion with a friend with the same symptoms and it was crazy how similar we were. So I’m beginning to think it’s not just me.
Quitting sugar and quitting grains is fucking hard. It really is. But…it’s kinda worth it. And I’m not strict like never again, I just avoid it most of the time. And I really do feel better. I binge less. And I think about food less.
So it’s something to consider.
Anyway this was long and rambly, but if you got one good thing out of it, it was worth it.
I’ve come to the realization in life where I am no longer in denial that I have a problem with overeating.
It’s incredibly freeing. Because now I know that I have a problem and there are ways to attack it.
Way #1? Keeping a food journal.
It’s amazing how much it helps. And if I have a bad reaction to a food or indigestion, I can find patterns and learn what my body needs.
It has really made a difference so far.
I am now also pretty much grain free, as my stomach is in the midst of healing. So there’s that.
I’m sticking around.
Thanks for your comments. :)
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Feeling fat and worthless tonight after multiple binges. I could really use some encouragement.
Now that I’m in sort of a recovery zone, I realize that it was not the being fat part that scared me the most (although that did strike terror in me and I still have to fight thoughts that spiral in that direction), it was the not being able to control my eating. The massive massive eat-til-you’re-sick cravings that I had every day all the time. I ate so much so often that I gave myself gastritis. And I knew that it was bad, but I couldn’t control it.
Now that I’ve cut out most sugar and grain, I feel a million times better. I’m not haunted by thoughts of food all day. I don’t have massive cravings that cause me to binge. My blood sugar doesn’t spike and dip, making me irritable and starving. Nope. I’m starting to feel normal.
And now I may weigh a little more than I did when I was full-blown eating disorder, but I find that I don’t mind so much. I don’t hate myself for eating too much, because I rarely do anymore. I never binge. I still eat what I want. And I exercise when I want. But if I don’t, I don’t hate myself. I don’t hurt myself. I just live, reminding myself that my body will even out to a weight that I’m comfortable at, and if I ever want to, I can lose excess weight by eating more healthily and exercising more steadily.
But it doesn’t stress me out. Amazing how that is.